Brenda Drake is running a best first line contest with prizes. Weronika Janczuk (Veronica,) a Literary Agnet from D4EO Literary will be offering critiques
Prizes from Weronika:
1st place — a critique of the first 50 pages + query
2nd place — a critique of the first 25 pages + query
3rd place — a critique of the query
2nd place — a critique of the first 25 pages + query
3rd place — a critique of the query
Just post the first line of a completed manuscript on your blog between the 7th - 8th February and invite criticism. This is not as scary as it sounds.
Then post your improved first line on Brenda’s blog on 9th February.
Name: Elaine Smith
Title: ENCOUNTERS
Genre: MG SF
Genre: MG SF
She imagined a house with foundations not wheels, parents who worked as accountants, and salty pink slices of death in thin white sandwiches: a life, but it hadn't been hers.
AMENDED?
She imagined the house with foundations, not wheels; parents who worked as accountants and salty, pink slices of death in thin white sandwiches.
She imagined a house with foundations, not wheels, parents who worked as accountants and salty, pink slices of death in thin white sandwiches.
She imagined a house with foundations, not wheels, parents who worked as accountants and slices of death in thin, white sandwiches, only the break discs screamed.
The original paragraph
She imagined the house with foundations not wheels, parents who worked as accountants, and salty pink slices of death in thin white sandwiches. In the cream and maroon van, converted into a home, they swerved across the white lines painted down the centre of the road. Really, they had no choice: a wall of rock; the petrol tanker lying more like a victim than an assassin or the drop to the wide river.
AMENDED?
She imagined the house with foundations, not wheels; parents who worked as accountants and salty, pink slices of death in thin white sandwiches.
She imagined a house with foundations, not wheels, parents who worked as accountants and salty, pink slices of death in thin white sandwiches.
She imagined a house with foundations, not wheels, parents who worked as accountants and slices of death in thin, white sandwiches, only the break discs screamed.
The original paragraph
She imagined the house with foundations not wheels, parents who worked as accountants, and salty pink slices of death in thin white sandwiches. In the cream and maroon van, converted into a home, they swerved across the white lines painted down the centre of the road. Really, they had no choice: a wall of rock; the petrol tanker lying more like a victim than an assassin or the drop to the wide river.
THE END - OR, IN FACT, THE START:
She wedged her feet against the rail to stop herself sliding while she pressed her forehead to her knees. Something wet trickled down the side of her nose.
“Brace yourself,” her Dad hissed through clenched teeth, “and keep you head down!”
I like it! It's taut and leaves the reader ready to move on to more!
ReplyDeleteYou get the sense of longing right off the bat. Only real suggestion is changing "but it"" to simply "which".
ReplyDeleteHonestly, i'd loose the "a life but it hadn't been hers." portion of the sentence. It first of all makes the sentence too long. Secondly, we know these imaginations aren't her own life, when you simply imply by "She imagined..." It hints that the woman would like something more than what she has.
ReplyDeleteLove it! I agree with dumping the last little bit, but I love the imagery of the line. :-)
ReplyDeleteWow. Great opening. I agree with dumping the last part.
ReplyDeleteI would drop the last part too. When you say she imagined a house with with a foundation etc...they fact that she imagines it, tells the reader it isn't what she has. So it becomes redundant. I LOVE the opening. You feel attached to the character. Great!
ReplyDeleteI love this. I agree somewhat with dropping the last part. But I think if you change it to maybe "a life she dreamed was hers", that would eliminate the redundancy. Or not, who knows? Great job, though!
ReplyDeleteI agree with pretty much everyone on dropping the last part. I think it'll make your imagery stand out even more. Love the description of the sandwiches.
ReplyDeleteThe images really pop, but it's kind of chunky. The clauses, though great on their own, don't seem to mesh well. However, I'd certainly read on!
ReplyDeleteDoes a decent job of showing the character and their desires, but the prose is a little clunky.
ReplyDeleteI stumbled over 'foundations not wheels', consider a comma there. In fact, you might want to break up the entire line into two or three. And the bit about 'salty pink slices of death', really turned me off. Not because of the imagery, but it felt like you were trying way to hard.
Your opening line makes me kind of sad... The writing seems more literary than commercial so far, and a little more advanced than I'd believe a MG reader would be, calling deli slices "salty pink slices of death." That's a lot of symbolism for a middle grade novel. That's just something that really stuck out to me.
ReplyDeleteBest of luck in the contest!
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI'd like to see a little more punctuation, and I agree that "salty pink slices of death" is a bit sophisticated. Right now the sentence seems a little too complex for MG - I'd like to see a punchy first sentence. If you prefer the imagery of this one, it'd be nice to set up parallel constructions - right now she's re-imagining two aspects of her life, her home and her parents, and then inventing a third thing out of nowhere. Maybe you could follow "parents who worked as accountants" with something like "and sandwiches filled with salty pink meat instead of [X sci-fi food]".
ReplyDeleteTHANK YOU FOR THE FEEDBACK :)
ReplyDeleteI didn't think it needed the explanation, originally. That was an experimental response to feedback.
C Scott you're not going to send me back to semi-colons, are you?
I'll see what the feedback looks like.
SPOILER ALERT:
After the crash, the girl suffers profound amnesia. I chose not to name her so the reader would be looking for clues just like she is.
As the only child of parents who follow an alternative, travelling, lifestyle, twelve year-old Thursday is vegan vegetarian and celiac.
That sentence foreshadows everything - even the phrase "a house with..." or "the house with..." is plot laden.
Lets put the other option up; the one with the really clunky punctuation marks in it so I can use the comma. ;)
Hi Elaine,
ReplyDeleteThanks for stopping by my blog. Your style is very poetic and beautiful. I do agree about cutting off the end part. In the sidebar you have one sentence that is a great first line. It seems like you tried to get more info into that first line for the contest and it wasn't necessary.
Good luck!
I was impressed with the voice in this first sentence. I do like the amended first line better. I was confused with lunchmeat being called "salty pink slices of death." I mean, it sounds cool and all, but why does she view it this way? Most MG kids don't know think of their food in terms of healthy or unhealthy. It gave a very negative image of eating sandwiches...and it sounds as if she wishes she were eating sandwiches (as opposed to what??). Very interesting first line though-it does make me want to read more. Good luck and happy writing!
ReplyDeleteIt really speaks of a tough life right off the bat. Good job.
ReplyDeleteLove the sentence, it's concise and grabs my attention. Good job.
ReplyDeleteLoved the amended sentence - enough of a hook to keep me reading. However, I agree with the previous comments about the 'salty pink slices of death'. I can't imagine your target audience thinking in that way.
ReplyDeleteWow - I really love it. My comment was to add the comma after "foundations", but you already did that. :) Good luck - this is one of the best I've read so far! :D
ReplyDeleteI really like this. More so the amended version. I gotta say, the pink slices of death are awesome!
ReplyDeleteI like this, but it feels more like YA. I don't think MG readers will get the "salty pink slices of death" reference.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing!
I don't know what salty pink slices of death are, but that might just be me ;) I like your sentence (punctuation be damned!) It makes me sad and I feel like this poor kid just wants to be living another life. Excellent. I am surprised it is MG, but after only a paragraph its hard to get a feel for the whole.
ReplyDeletePS - thank you for the feedback on my line. :)
I do like the amended version better. But, I'm with some of the others. Though I like the description of the sandwich, I'm a bit lost on it's meaning and if a MG would really say that.
ReplyDeleteBut, I'm hooked. I want to read more.
Elaine - I had to come back to tell you that bar none, your advice on every single blog in this fest has been awesome - just totally spot on.
ReplyDeleteGood luck to you!
Corinne
Hmm, I like the first version better than the amended one. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comment on my blog.
ReplyDeleteI really like the amended better... Very interesting. I'd read more.
Michael
Love the sense of lack here, great voice, but you lost me at pink slices of death. This may just be me, but in the amended version it reads to me as though the parents work as accountants and sandwiches - I doubt this is what you intended! I also do agree with others that this reads more YA to me than MG. Good start!
ReplyDeleteVery nice, you write well :)
ReplyDeleteI like the amended line. Very well done. Thanks for you help on my own first line.
ReplyDelete.......dhole
I do prefer the ammended line. The first was a little wordy. But it was still a good line.
ReplyDeleteThat is a Kabam line, no doubt, but...
ReplyDeleteThis might sound crazy, after reading some of the other comments, but I'm not a fan of "salty, pink." It's too large a metaphor for me to grasp, no matter how beautiful. It's the pink. Salted slices of death in thin white sandwiches, or salted death served in thin white sandwiches.
Elaine... thanks for your comments, and always being so supportive!
ReplyDeleteI like where you're going with this.
It does sound complicated for middle grade, but if it's intended for later middle grade, you might be fine. I like the amended versions even better. This is nitpicky, but if the character knows what sandwiches are, then why use pink slices of death to describe a sandwich? I like the imagery, but I found it hard to get past it.
Judith, I like your thinking :) I can work with that death matters more than pink to a vegan.
ReplyDeleteHi Richard
It is Upper MG - I like to think it as a bridging novel ;)
Dead and bread - hell to my vegetarian celiac :)
There's a lot going on here, but it's all part of the same thought so it seems appropriate. The first sentence seemed clunky to me, but I really liked the following amended sentence and don't have any other suggestions for it:
ReplyDeleteShe imagined the house with foundations, not wheels; parents who worked as accountants and salty, pink slices of death in thin white sandwiches.
I love the line, but I'm going to have to say that it's too old for MG. The next level from MG is younger YA. You can tweak this by giving it a younger feel. Are you married to the 'salty pink slices of death'? If so, maybe this:
ReplyDeleteShe imagined a house that stayed put and couldn't be pulled away by a big truck, parents who worked as accountants or something like that and, as her momma always called it, having salty pink slices of death in thin white sandwiches, but that wasn't her life.
That's probably a bit long - but just a little more voice to it will make it more MG. Good luck! :D
I have to agree with it being a bit out of range for a MG novel. And although it's interesting and definitely original, I think the metaphors are a bit overdone. Having said that, it's completely identifiable as a SF type story and I love that you're trying to be true to the genre in that sense.
ReplyDeleteI agree that it is great! Actually, I love the second sentence as an opener, maybe a combo without the lunchmeat part?? VERY COOL premise : )
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteTHANK YOU FOR YOUR THOUGHTS - THEY ARE MUCH APPRECIATED :) xoxo
ReplyDeleteFi / Thursday is twelve. I aimed the book for the 9+ reader (I can't use Tween) - there is definitely a cross over to young YA.
I teach 9 - 11 year-olds - the verbal-vegetarians are mouthy on the subject of meat-is-murder. The "salty, pink slices of death" is an adjective away from a direct quote.
Death is the key word - her "pink" came from her hand flap gesture, suggesting blood spilling around the sandwich.
Gotta love big kids on big subjects.
You should hear them on the subject of betrayal or death.
The big problem with the hook, the one I can't cure myself of is adding the -- "only the break discs screamed" (authorial voice and all that)
Chapter 1 is written a little removed from the action - to provide a safe distance the younger readers. There is wholesale death and destruction going on.:)
Hi - As the first sentence of a MG novel, I'd 1: make it shorter. and 2: make it less vague. You've explained a bunch to us, but the 9-11 year old or YA reader who's going to decide whether or not she wants your book - that first sentence needs to be pretty easy to read and understand.
ReplyDeleteHaving said all that - YOUR BOOK SOUNDS AMAZING. =D
Very cool! Good luck!
ReplyDelete