I've nearly completed the manuscript for MORTIMER CHILTON AND THE COLLECTIVE so it is time to start thinking Query and Submission.
This is the pitch and the first 250 words of the manuscript so any thoughts, at this early stage, would be HUGE and HUG-WORTHY ;)
Mortimer’s gaming identifies him as Psych. With the help of a friend, he escapes being implanted with an external control chip. It seems to be a pointless save when Mortimer finds it impossible to locate the source of power, in his scrambled brain. But when The Collective is invaded Mortimer blasts his Psych-skills from Beginner to something deadly.
# 2 Thanks to Shannon Duffy and Amy L Sonnichsen for their thoughts on the pitch
Playing a gamer challenge identifies Mortimer as some kind of Psychic. With the help of a friend, he avoids being implanted with an external control chip. It seems to be a pointless save when Mortimer can't find or use his powers. When The Collective is invaded, can Mortimer blast his Psych-skills from Beginner basic into something deadly?
I'm still working on this one:
MORTIMER CHILTON AND THE COLLECTIVE
What is the main conflict for Mortimer?
What must he do/sacrifice to resolve it?
What are the consequences if he fails?
MORTIMER CHILTON AND THE COLLECTIVE
CHAPTER 1
BLAST
“What?” Mortimer asked. His heart slipshifted like the ship did when they dropped into standard orbit. “Me? Wha–”
“Mortimer. Pack. Now.” Fast, like she couldn’t catch her breath, his parent said, “I told you to go and get your things together.”
“Why?” Mortimer pulled back his shoulders and tried to stand a little taller. He locked his knees and elbows straight. “Why am I packing?”
“You played The Challenge.”
As if he could hide the rough pads, Mortimer tucked his thumbs inside his fists. He didn’t get it, he’d been careful. Every time he logged on he used someone else's I-dent. His plan to beat C-Deep was a fail.
“I told you it wasn’t a game,” she stared at the ceiling and sighed. “Mortimer, there are reasons… consequences, for every action.”
“Wh-where are you sending me?”
“To The Collective. There, perhaps, you can learn discipline. I should be along to visit you. Maybe. Mortimer, I am expecting you to get things under control.” She spun around. The identpad reverberated when she hit lock and hurried into the gym.
Mortimer left when the light on the entrypad flickered from green to lock-out red.
As usual no one was sent to help him but, on his Inf-pad, Mortimer found someone had programmed everything he needed: information in clear and easy to follow photo-vids. The first had the title: “How To Fold A Tee-shirt” and the next was called: “Packing For The Longer Journey.” There were less useful tips in: “The Safe Way To Carry A Heavy Suitcase.” Although knee bending and weightlifting were useful skills, Mortimer found dragging his case behind him using the belt from his best overalls worked pretty well.
Thank you.
I always appreciate feedback I receive.
Hope you are more organised for the holiday season than I am. I really must think about going shopping ;)
Hmmmm. I definately want to know WHERE little Mort is going and WHY his parent is so cold.
ReplyDeleteHi Donna
ReplyDelete*huge grin
Little Mortimer is being sent to join The Collective but he doesn't think he has the skills to play a part.
Great start on your pitch! My humble opinion on the pitch is that there are a lot of technical words I'm not familiar with that make me have to re-read the sentences. Is there a way to explain the situation without using the technical jargon?
ReplyDeleteI hope this helps. It's a great idea to work out the query now instead of at the last minute. :)
Best of luck!
Hi Amy
ReplyDeleteThanks. I'll look into that and see if I can focus on the now and world build later :)
Not knowing a lot of your story, I came up with this: "12 year old Mortimer is on the run from being implanted with a government control chip. Who knew playing video games would identify him as a Psych? Can Mortimer locate the source of power that looms in his scrambled brain before it turns into something deadly?"
ReplyDeleteI would definitely add the age of the character to the pitch. I just guessed twelve cause it sounds MG to me. Also, not sure about using the word Psych in the pitch, because it would be unclear what that means off the hop. I don't know enough of your story to try to find a better way of saying that. But I tried to give it a go. Your story sounds fun and engaging. Good luck!! Go Mortimer!!
Hi Shannon.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your thoughts on the pitch. You guessed right - it is MG. Mortimer is ten years-old.
After reading your advice, I had another try:
Playing a gamer challenge identifies Mortimer as some kind of Psychic. With the help of a friend, he avoids being implanted with an external control chip. It seems to be a pointless save when Mortimer can't find or use his powers. When The Collective is invaded, can Mortimer blast his Psych-skills from Beginner basic into something deadly?
Better. I just tried to put it all into two sentences here for a shorter more consise pitch. Just thoughts and suggestions. Yours is good, too. =) I do definitely think you need to add the age of the character as it readily identifies in the first sentece if it's MG, YA or Adult.
ReplyDeleteWhen 10 year old Mortimer is identified as some kind of Psychic, a friend helps him avoid being implanted with an external control chip. Unable to summon his own powers, and with the collective now being invaded, can Mortimer blast his Psych-skills from beginner basic into something deadly?