Sunday, 24 January 2010

Still writing revisions of the Query letter

This is still long :( Can you spot any obvious things to cut?

Dear special Agent

The attraction sixteen-year-old, Jess Trainer, feels for Caleb Ridgeway is driving her to the brink of stalker-staus because his hands linger even while he is trying to push her away.

Jess abuses her position on the Year Book Committee to dissect the Ridgeway brother's files. In their previous school and the bizarre meanings of their full names she finds two possible reasons why Caleb and his brothers isolate themselves to the finges of all social circles . Given the choice between private-school snob and werewolf, the second option seems more desirable.

Their relationship plunges Jess into the seething war of attrition being fought in the woodland around Woodford between human hunters, once-human "werewolves" and those born Were. Jess finds this reality hard to stomach, she loves someone who is neither human nor wolf - he is Were.

It is Jess who runs to call back the others who were out on patrol and prevents a massacre when the pack are attacked by feral, once-human, Were.

In the aftermath of the attack, when only one of the feral Were escaped justice, Caleb is so traumatised the pack fear he may never recover. Despite the danger Caleb could kill her, or worse, Jess risks her humanity to help him remember the time before pain. She coaxes him back from the brink of madness, with her love.

I teach Year 6 children, coach football and the Chess Club; I also counsel children with behavioural difficulties.

My novel entitled NEAR EDGWARE is a YA paranormal romance set in a normal secondary school and the woodland, called the Weald, which surrounds the town of Woodford, near Edgware. It is complete in 72,200 words.

Many thanks for your time

Elaine A M Smith

As with my initials I would have to describe my writing as more Kelley Armstrong and less Stephenie Meyer.

I can't think how - or where - to put the comparative part - it is corny and trite currently but ... where does it go?


  1. The letter is improving, but I'd cut the paragraph about yourself to one sentence "I'm a high school English teacher who also counsels troubled teens" or whatever. Simple and professional. You're selling your story, not yourself. That comes later.

    I don't think you need the "series potential" line. That can be discussed later, too.

  2. I would real it. Then again I am no agent.

  3. Hey Emma
    Thanks for that kind thought - have you consideered a career as a Literary Agent?

    There is an agency in London set up by a guy who got sick of trying to find an agent. His partner there is the real deal - I loved that idea - go him!