Wednesday, 6 January 2010

NEAR EDGWARE Diary format?

Nathan Bransford has a competition!! I didn't even read what the "prize" was, it's a Bransford Blog competition, so - I'm in!

I started writing something entirely different but I was never happy with it. Great words - angsty and tortured - but I kept hearing Jess' voice, "Aren't I angsty enough for you?"
She had a point.
There were two places that stood out as being ripe for a diary entry. Day 1 - Jess bumps into Caleb and Day 19 - just before Jess' friends perform an intervention (the clothes, and make-up, Jess had decided to wear - to force Caleb to pay attention to her - had crossed the line marked "Decency".)

Changing the work into diary format took time - more time than I would have thought. I could feel the writing becoming all Jess, that was an odd realisation!

Hey, Diary
24 September - Wednesday

It’s me, Jess – not writing about Caleb again, because I said I was done with that, but I’m going to make such a fool of myself (I don’t mean here) and I don’t care. I slip out of focus and into daydreaming in school. I catch a glimpse of him, track him down... pounce. I imagine us together – in the stockroom, lunchroom, library, Headteacher’s office – my head says public places aren't too extreme, at all.
It's not that I'm a stalker, if Caleb isn't interested - he isn't interested. That’s life. But when he held my hand and rubbed circles on my wrist, I didn’t dream that look on his face. He wanted me. He cared. I know he did. He is interested.
So, why are their times when he pretends I don’t exist? One thing, or the other, would be... fine. Then, I’d know what to do–how to be–when he’s near. But, I see him looking when he thinks I’m concentrating on something else. (Like that happens, often.) I don’t get it. But why should I, when
I don’t even understand me? Something is driving me–pulling me–almost out of control. Attraction, maybe? I feel it somewhere in the space just below my stomach. I’m living... desperate.
Have to stop thinking this way, even if I can’t stop feeling it.
I’m going back into training. If I run more–run and swim and get a life–it’ll be a change from balancing on the never-knowing knife edge. Is this love? Hell, no! Love is easy like skipping in sunshine not the twisted mess I’m feeling now.
I keep thinking it’s all about his body–ripped and tanned, true–or that face, but it’s not. I know that better than anyone else because, if that’s it, I’ve got early birthday presents: my boy comes in a matching set and everyone says the Ridgeways look way-similar. I could, maybe, stretch to saying that I like his interfering brothers, but, I’m TOTALLY immune to them – this insanity is all Caleb.
So, if anyone asks, I’m never thinking about him again. Again!


  1. Hey, I entered in that too. :)
    Your diary entry looks awesome, maybe I'm falling in love with Caleb. ;)

  2. I wouldn't want to go against Jess and attempt to prise her man away. She thinks he has her name tattooed on his heart. <3

  3. I haven't entered it - but I might - just gotta find a few extra minutes somewhere. Not an easy chore these days :)

  4. I didn't enter. Yours is really good!
    Good luck!

  5. i haven't entered that one, either, but i love how your entry starts out with "i'm not writing about caleb" and ends with...well, caleb.

    how many times have i done that in my life...

    good luck! and a pleasure to meet you via nathan's blog.

  6. lexcade,
    I enjoyed reading over on your blog too.

    Nathan's competitions are educational. I have read every one of the entries in all competitions! Like Nathan reads his slush pile, I expect - some in detail, some scanned and some in depth. The most fascinating thing is trying to guess which ones he'll pick.

    The diary entry in my head looked like mine would have at that age :s But the graphics don't allow for the random collection of song lyrics and hyroglyphics my diary would have been splattered with! :)

  7. Good luck with your competition. I love the sound of your teenager!

  8. Thanks, Jamara
    I loved reading all the other entries on the Bransford Blog - there was a lot of angst going on over there.
    There were also things to learn. How often do you get to analyse 600 pieces of writing working to the same basic premise?
    Your blog was slick and stylish - informative, too.