Tuesday, 6 July 2010

How to be a Gangsta Writer – already. The pen is mightier.

I know you know.
You with the flow,
Yo' writing is writing like the gangsta!

1 You have to master the stagger of the homies
            Check the hunched walk of the habitual homies who write: back breaking work innit?! CHECKLIST:
 Do you got the curvature of the spine, yet?
Neck pain from da’ repetitive strain that don’t come from wearing too much bling? See that’s what I’m saying!
Got the arm-sling, wrist-thing? Like what’s carpal tunnel?
If it’s all so, then you got the low.

2 Language
            This is important when attempting to fit in with the wip community. You must forget everything you have learned about English, like how it is spoken. Speechifying your writing is a serious impediment to yo’ work.  Contractions is a contradiction, don’t go with the diction, go back to school, you fool. Punctuate like the Oxford Comma – if you know where I’s at?
KEY VOCABULARY – I <3 Dawn Copeland for saving me time
Advance, Agent, Copyright, Credits, Electronic submission, Formatting, Hook, Manuscript, Point of view (POV), Query, Query letter, Record of submission, Rejection, Royalties, Simultaneous submission, WIP,  Word count, Writer's block
Do you write twelve pages a day and edit them back to two?
Do you think about where to put commas when you speak?
Do you obsess about words like - that, feel, felt, feeling, just, had, was, were,
amo, amass, amat (in the case of ancient, paranormal romance writers)?
Do you prune out -ly words more vigorously than Bind weed?
Do you know a split infinitive from a split-pin?

If not, then you is in trouble, Man!

3  You have acquired a Blogging and a domain name
            Check the ideas! Get Writing, Writer, Author, or Muse added to your blog name. See other things like adjectives: they are happenin’! Lil’JK, Shakes Will or Bigger Steph. See where I’m goin’? Keep with me, I’ll help you fit write in - lol!

            Does your Blog title sound literary or wordy? Well, as that is the only evident requirement you’ve got it nailed!

4 You have to be hip to what’s happenin’ in your genre at the moment
            Check the lists for the writers who are doing it! Their up is on the high side and you’s climbing it!
            For me, I know what I see:
PC, Sherrylee -n (lynn), Stephenie,
Make room for me

            Have you read enough books in your chosen genre to fill all the shelves in Tesco/Walmart?
            Can you describe, in five, ten, fifteen words and pages what your wip is about?
            If you are you still writing when the sun goes down. Still at it when it rises again.
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same
(Oh, no that one's been done - already!)
Then you are not a plagiarist, my son.

5  Clothing – the mark of the G-writer – Good and tired Writer - Gangsta!
            Buy clothing, huge and vast: you is never gonna’ do much with yo’ ass except sit on it, anyways now. Sling it low. You need comfort on that slidy-plastic leather chair, innit?! Army pants, jeans, cargo pants, cut-offs – they all look good in the writing zone, and yo' ain’t going out. For the top half, go with the neon, it will keep you awake: keep yo’ finger on their toes – lol! Sweatshirts are well necessary in the night when it’s just you and the angle-poise in the dark. Like heating is for softees: we' gangsta, here. Keep a handkerchief on your head because, as well as it look so cool its like glacier - it will come in handy for rejections – sick!

            Could you gain like 200+ pounds and not have it noticed when you are dressed? (What? You did? That’s dedication! R-E-S-P-E-C-T!)
            Could you fit all of the family into one single pant leg? Not that I’m recommending extra wide trousers for childcare but... if the leg fits... I say wear it. You'll know where they are when you're writing - sorted!

You got it.
You got the lot.
You is a fully fledgeling gangsta writer now – sick!

With thanks to Everything2 without which my format would have sucked!


  1. LOL :)

    You's a gangsta! Awesome :)

  2. Hilarious! Now you need a rapper name. The Notorious B.R.I.T.? I especially like the line about the ancient paranormal romance writers. And that picture is priceless. Thanks for a brightener on a slow, dark morning.

  3. Yo, Jemi. I's just channelling the flow! ;)

    Werda, Anne! Busta rock, already. My new name, Notorious B.R.I.T., is capital status!