I need a medal for knowing this is the ninety-sixth time I have played with the first page of my novel. It is, however, only the second largest alteration. Originally, I wrote from the moment Jess got home from the airport.
After she arrived the night before, I lead her by the hand as she tried to get her place back in her old school... no longer Salters' School, now, the re-named, Woodford College.
CHAPTER 1
GOOD TO SEE YOU
I scanned the first floor Sixth Form Common Room, there were soft brown chairs clustered around low tables to the right and rows of dull grey lockers on the left.
Students dressed in office-smart fashions were standing around in groups. Right at the back near an open window, three boys were talking. Their heads were so close together they were almost touching. Standing there like that, they looked quite similar. The various shades of blond reminded me of the colour selection charts at the hairdressers. The boy whose back was towards me had just a hint spikes and tufts in the back of his hair, so cute.
He glanced around – forehead furrowed, eyes narrowed – he pushed his brothers further back into the room; there wasn’t much further they could go.
Maybe, not so cute after all; I looked around but I couldn’t see any reason why they had moved to the edge of the last window. It didn’t matter that much, I knew where I was going next.
Four pupils stood in the centre of the room. They were close enough for me to hear what they were saying.
“Another new girl?” remarked Anna, paying more attention to my tailored trousers and two-tone, heeled shoes. “She looks fashionable, but subdued.”
“Starting a week late for term? Bad news. We’ll see if she sorts out a friend. Check she’s alright,” Ali mumbled sucking on her short, blond plait.
Subdued? That was not really on my top ten list of qualities. It would have trouble getting onto the top hundred. Stepping away from the shadowed corridor, I threw myself forward arms wide to reach around them all.
What do you think?
It's priorities are right, Jess just wants to hang out with her friends, run, have fun and do a little school work, if her parents really make her.
I like the sentence, "The various shades of blond reminded me of the colour selection charts at the hairdressers." This reminds me of a private school I attended myself, where all the girls dyed their hair the exact same shade!
ReplyDeleteI'm a little confused, though. The narrator is the new girl, right? So she would not know the names of the girls who are talking about her, Anna and Ali? In that case, I would just say something like "a girl" and "another girl" or describe them somehow.
I stumbled on this first floor Sixth Form in the first sentence. Probably not a good thing for a beginning. Aside from that, everything else flowed fine.
ReplyDeleteHi Genie - welcome:
ReplyDeleteJess is not so much new, as... not!
She is a returner - back after two years living abroad. The school got a major make-over while she was living overseas.
DL I wondered about that too - I was feeling quite the little estate agent.
Thanks for sharing. It sounds interesting. Those keen and eager boys. :0
ReplyDeleteSubdued? Is that a word a sixth former would come out with in conversation? A new girl who is fashionable is probably seen as a threat. A compliment with enough of a bite, would possibly be said, something like...
She's got taste, I like her heels. Her top is not bright enough for me though.
With the first floor issue, why not turn it around?
I found the Sixth form common room. I was so grateful it was on the first floor, my new shoes were killing me. I scanned around, noting the...
Not much help I am afraid. Keep editing...I am and will be near 96 soon LOL.
Good voice, easy to read and follow. Liked the descriptions of the people. The POV was off though: starts off with first person: "I scanned . ." but when the girls are talking, we also get omniscient POV: "remarked Anna," paying more attention to my tailored trousers . ."
ReplyDelete“Another new girl?” and "We’ll see if she sorts out a friend." indicate our MC is an unknown at the school, so I don't see how she could know their names, but them not know who she is.
Then I read the last line: "threw myself forward arms wide to reach around them all." Ok, so maybe she does know these girls and this is their idea of a joke?
Guess we'll have to see in further reading. The POV is really my only issue. Very sassy and engaging.
.......dhole
I scanned the Sixth Form Common Room, there were soft brown chairs clustered around low tables to the right and rows of dull grey lockers on the left.
ReplyDeleteStudents dressed in office-smart fashions were standing around in groups. Right at the back near an open window, three blond boys were talking. Their heads were so close together they were almost touching. The shades of their hair reminded me of the colour selection charts at the hairdressers. The boy whose back was towards me had just a hint spikes and tufts in the back of his hair, so cute.
He glanced around – forehead furrowed, eyes narrowed – he pushed his brothers further back into the room and there wasn’t much further they could go.
Maybe not so cute; I looked around but I couldn’t see any reason why they had moved to the edge of the last window.
It didn’t matter that much, I knew where I was going. The group I was looking for stood in the centre of the room. They were, at last, close – close enough for me to hear what they were saying.
“Another new girl?” remarked Anna, paying more attention to my clothes. “She dresses like my Mum: subdued.”
Ife laughed, “Anna! You can’t judge people like that.”
“I can. Navy tailored trousers and two-tone heels? That’s the choice of the terminally shy.”
“Wearing navy and starting a week late? She needs help. We’d better see if she sorts out a friend, check she’s alright,” Ali said, sucking on her short blond plait. Her frown was deep, her cheeks a deeper pink, she smoothed down her short, dark blue skirt.