Kelly Lyman is hosting her FIRST PAGE BLOGFEST today. I couldn't decide which first page I wanted to go with. Whenever I'm in that situation I reach for the first book I ever started. It's a comfort thing: me and Flower BFFE ;)
I didn't have to look too far because last night I took Flower's tragedy and turned it into a real horror - my apologies to Flower because she has enough trouble as it is.
FLOWER
CHAPTER 1
LIFE GOES ON
The tiny torrents raged down the pane until they puddled on the deep, white sill. Not the dribbling dot-to-dot now, the constant streams fought the elements: they were blown sideways by the breeze. I tracked the movement of one rivulet with my index finger, prodded and hoped to stop, to have any affect on the running flood with about as much success as I'd had with everything else, lately. With the distraction of walking washed away I'd have to wait in the house with the fosters, not literally The Fosters, just the family who'd been doing their best while I'd been doing my worst.
"We could still go out for a walk," Jo said. She was close, but not touching.
With the splattering at the window, the whilstling through the crack at the base of the patio door, the wind-driven, black-stained clouds slashing rain, I would have.
Amy and Hannah, lying by the TV banging the heads of lilac dressed dolls with their biroed, facial tattoos, became unnaturally still.
"No. Thanks."
Waves of relief rolled from the mini pop-moguls, they went back to organising the less-than-live auditions.
Well, not long now, Flower." Jo patted at my arm before she straightened up and returned to the kitchen.
Moments later I felt a little plastic head rubbing the same spot.
"Flower?" Hannah was making the ultimate sacrifice, "Do ya' wan' my doll?"
Jo leaned against the kitchen counter, as I watched she smiled - adoration and pride - and the razorblade of loss slashed another wound into my heart. I pushed my back into the edge of the wall and grated my spine to balance the pain, replace it with an ache much easier to deal with.
Oh, what loss. I can feel her sadness. Great job.
ReplyDeleteGreat job! I really love the last line--I could feel what she was feeling.
ReplyDeleteI like the mood you've created and I definitely want to read on.
ReplyDeleteOh...there was some real heart ache in that. Carefully crafted and beautifully written. Good job!!
ReplyDeleteI've hit number 40 on the list - have you guys finished?
ReplyDelete"But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep." me and Robert Frost - X - like that!
Dark and moody and drew me in.
ReplyDeleteI did get a sense of her sadness, which was great. But I was a tiny confused once I hit the dialogue. I didn't know what some of the terms were - biroed or popmoguls. I didn't understand about the audition. I think with more details from your mc that would change everything. I love dark and sad tales, so good luck with this. It's a huge step to get the feel for your mc. Details are the easy part. :)
ReplyDeleteDo you mean you've read 40 from this blogfest? Wow, you go! I think I'm around half that!
ReplyDeleteYou've really done well showing her character. I'd love to see more :)
This was really special, I felt so much empathy for that poor child.
ReplyDeleteThank you all for your thoughts which I appreciate. I'll look at the dialogue trying to make sure it is obvious that the stresses of fostering are felt by the children in that family was important to me. The idea that they had added biro tatoo marks on the faces of their dolls but not disturbed their pretty dresses was the key - while making them sing with Next Top Whatever!
ReplyDeleteI'm working down the hill of Blogs - many more to go.
This is SO great, I can really feel what Flower is feeling. I'm intrigued and I feel empathy for your characters which is usually what hooks me on a book. Great job!
ReplyDeleteDark and edgy. This captures the depth of pain very well. Good job!
ReplyDeleteThis is a great first page. I really feel for the girl.
ReplyDeleteExquisitely crafted but so, so sad. My own heart ached for her.
ReplyDeleteWow, you really go into the heart of things. So deep and honest. Good job with that for sure. I don't know how you've done 40 (probably more by now?) I've only hit about 20 or so and I'm ready to call it quits. There's just so many! :)
ReplyDeleteThis was amazing! Loved it! Just visited your blog for the first time and I'm loving it!
ReplyDeleteThis was really sad but I love how heartfelt it was.
You describe rain's effects in such a vivid way. The first paragraph was carefully crafted to merge the detail of the storm to the inner storm within the protagonist. Masterful.
ReplyDeleteAnd I was moved by "the razor blade of loss" phrase. Loss. It does feel like that, doesn't it?
Thank you for your comments on my own first page. The limitation to offering only the first page is that during the first chapter, the gunshots get progressively closer, letting Samuel know the danger is getting ever nearer. His time to figure out how to defend those inside his club is evaporating.
I am gratified you liked my description of Meilori's. May you become published more quickly than you ever believed possible. Have a healing weekend, Roland
Oh, thank you everyone for your kind and helpful thoughts. I love Flower's story, a study of loss. I'm going to finish it one day, writing the story meant I was living the grief alongside her.
ReplyDeleteWelcome to Christine, Laura, Lilah and Roland - thank you for stopping by, commenting and for following too. :)
Doesn't the smile seem out of place on Flower's page.
REALLY liked this-- your descriptions are gorgeous! Fave line: "I pushed my back into the edge of the wall and grated my spine to balance the pain, replace it with an ache much easier to deal with."
ReplyDeleteWow. I could feel her sadness and loss. The descriptions are wonderful. Great job and thanks for participating!
ReplyDeleteOh--very nice.
ReplyDeleteSo beautiful! First time visitor of your blog. Love how this blogfest lets us meet new writing friends. Great writing!
ReplyDeleteThank you for your feedback and I do have a question - what is a "double apartment problem"?
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed your excerpt very much. It was beautiful.
I am also hosting a blogfest, details are on my site.
Morose and bleak. Well done. The dolls still freak me out a little, though. LOL.
ReplyDeleteSo much sadness
ReplyDeleteI like the setting. You feel her loss to a degree...and her sadness, but you also key in on the rain. Rain washes things away, so mabye this is the beginning of her road to recovery.
ReplyDeleteI like the line about the Fosters....especially the last part of that sentence.
Catherine