tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7673700697394236559.post5143765860430757299..comments2024-03-11T22:54:06.514+00:00Comments on Wordsmithing: Bryan's Logline/Hook Line BlogfestAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15459671422564355990noreply@blogger.comBlogger13125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7673700697394236559.post-15903467575865438192010-05-24T09:00:16.805+01:002010-05-24T09:00:16.805+01:00The first part of Near Edgware kind of doesn't...The first part of Near Edgware kind of doesn't do it for me. <br /><br />"Jess' gut-wrenching attraction to Caleb drives her to track each shred of evidence until his genetic make-up- his dual form- is revealed;..." ?<br /><br />Maybe? Play around with it.<br /><br />The second, I think there are a few details you could leave out without losing the impact.<br /><br />I think it's all about trimming down here. Otherwise, you have a good start. :)Lovy Bohemehttp://www.bibliophile.sayrawr.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7673700697394236559.post-67631832803288860702010-05-23T18:25:20.721+01:002010-05-23T18:25:20.721+01:00Thank you all for pitching in with ideas.
WT and ...Thank you all for pitching in with ideas.<br /><br />WT and Bryan - not really able to alter it because Caleb has two forms but only one nature - he is sentient, rational and aware, when he hasn't been beaten and tortured.<br /> <br />Ever watched Buffy: The movie? Gut-wrenching attraction is exactly what Jess is feeling. <br /><br />I'm glad you love Jon Jacob Ashton's troubles - he and Nerysa were so much fun to write. I think it has wide appeal, not limited to "a book, written for boys."Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15459671422564355990noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7673700697394236559.post-41411313223585032412010-05-23T15:53:01.873+01:002010-05-23T15:53:01.873+01:00Not sold on either one. The first is structurally ...Not sold on either one. The first is structurally strange. Attraction to what? Gut-wrenching sounds cliche. See if you can cut about 10 words from that one.<br />Second has the same issues. You're trying to pack too much in there.<br />Aren't these things impossible? ;)Andrew Rosenberghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09215333688753781447noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7673700697394236559.post-16559280157092289482010-05-23T14:15:33.528+01:002010-05-23T14:15:33.528+01:00I'm with the others...Staying Lost would be my...I'm with the others...<i>Staying Lost</i> would be my first choice. Interesting premise!! :)DL Hammonshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02007260062331783715noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7673700697394236559.post-38159896745299339282010-05-23T02:39:04.256+01:002010-05-23T02:39:04.256+01:00As the Watery Tart from above noted, I stumbled ov...As the Watery Tart from above noted, I stumbled over the structure of the first logline. Can you introduce the nature first, then add the remainder.<br /><br />Also, keep in mind specifics: can you change "risking more than her life" to reflect what the stakes really are? Give us the particulars and we'll be reeled in.<br /><br />Thanks for joining the blogfest!Bryan Sabolhttp://timeguardiansaga.com/blog/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7673700697394236559.post-48092267979465831952010-05-23T01:54:16.313+01:002010-05-23T01:54:16.313+01:00I think on the first I'd introduce the dual na...I think on the first I'd introduce the dual nature FIRST as that helps the reader orient. The latter sounds really interesting but the lack of punctuation made it a little hard to tell.Hart Johnsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17599570189253229318noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7673700697394236559.post-21570384145296451232010-05-23T00:19:09.320+01:002010-05-23T00:19:09.320+01:00I like the sound of both - very different story li...I like the sound of both - very different story lines! Nicely done. :)Jemi Fraserhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02214408467456320167noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7673700697394236559.post-14043463127699930882010-05-23T00:12:22.644+01:002010-05-23T00:12:22.644+01:00RaShelle - I'm happy you found my second story...RaShelle - I'm happy you found my second story interesting, it is an MG action adventure.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15459671422564355990noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7673700697394236559.post-2321646524362603692010-05-23T00:10:54.624+01:002010-05-23T00:10:54.624+01:00Hi Racquel and Tessa
The most interesting thing i...Hi Racquel and Tessa<br /><br />The most interesting thing is that STAYING LOST grew from the logline - Nathan Bransford says this is the way it should be - with NEAR EDGWARE distilling the story has always been a struggle.<br />Thanks for stopping by and commenting. :)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15459671422564355990noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7673700697394236559.post-90472142795833898952010-05-23T00:00:50.284+01:002010-05-23T00:00:50.284+01:00Yes, the second one does sound very interesting. I...Yes, the second one does sound very interesting. I want more please. =DRaShelle Workmanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17582252557500502186noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7673700697394236559.post-8996051368895429792010-05-22T23:53:31.185+01:002010-05-22T23:53:31.185+01:00This comment has been removed by the author.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15459671422564355990noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7673700697394236559.post-88405382747268419492010-05-22T23:19:46.147+01:002010-05-22T23:19:46.147+01:00ohhh me too me too! I second Raquel, all the way!ohhh me too me too! I second Raquel, all the way!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11046724975658216337noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7673700697394236559.post-60682403798415655992010-05-22T22:45:44.749+01:002010-05-22T22:45:44.749+01:00Oooh I like the Staying Lost one the best. You int...Oooh I like the Staying Lost one the best. You introduce the main character, the conflict, and intersting castmates...very good job!Raquel Byrneshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12870113745683162915noreply@blogger.com