tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7673700697394236559.post338396261244551304..comments2024-03-11T22:54:06.514+00:00Comments on Wordsmithing: Shelley's Latest Competition STARRINGAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15459671422564355990noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7673700697394236559.post-45695722891768427142011-05-30T21:22:36.002+01:002011-05-30T21:22:36.002+01:00I love your descriptions here. Lucas's distres...I love your descriptions here. Lucas's distress is evident and compelling. I agree with the comments that said some places are confusing. In this case you've almost got too much showing and not enough telling going on. Maybe put in some brief explanations of each of the things you're describing - simple one or two word statments to tell us what we're looking at that you've described.<br /><br />Great job on tension and character development ^_^Loralie Hallhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07134452749240292803noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7673700697394236559.post-25703818838076661722011-05-30T17:10:10.587+01:002011-05-30T17:10:10.587+01:00I love the opening paragraph. I love the MC's ...I love the opening paragraph. I love the MC's anxiety. Great dynamic established here.<br /><br />"The shushing sound he made wasn’t a wish or some well-worked magic: Lucas cursed." This sentence is great, but I did have to read it a few times to get what it was saying. Same thing with the strangling bag. <br /><br />Great set up! I would read on for sure.Crystal Collierhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03912469552483168148noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7673700697394236559.post-4362861547431532262011-05-30T06:37:10.467+01:002011-05-30T06:37:10.467+01:00It seems an interesting start but in need of some ...It seems an interesting start but in need of some work. The first paragraph in particular. I also noticed this is a WIP? It is a great way to get your stuff seen but the rules are for complete works only... Unless your page is just not updated and the work is finished then ignore me completely!Jamiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16358261456925009797noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7673700697394236559.post-62302613188323350672011-05-29T23:26:56.583+01:002011-05-29T23:26:56.583+01:00Great descriptions. I was interested and then Luca...Great descriptions. I was interested and then Lucas said,"I hate it here." That hooked me. From that point on, the voice was pure and MG. I would definately keep reading (and know my kids would, too.) Nice work.Jamie McHenryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17844129434598954840noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7673700697394236559.post-45922622252506843872011-05-29T23:19:43.641+01:002011-05-29T23:19:43.641+01:00I am assuming the first paragraph is the pitch. ;)...I am assuming the first paragraph is the pitch. ;) <br /><br />I had to assume the part where the curses over again, because a kid cursing? Depends on how old the kid is, I guess.<br /><br />I really, really like your descriptions.Soniahttp://storytreasury.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7673700697394236559.post-33222349417195991162011-05-29T21:50:06.095+01:002011-05-29T21:50:06.095+01:00I do like this genre so I would be interested in r...I do like this genre so I would be interested in reading more. However I was a little confused at points. The quote of Why it's not like... I didn't understand who was talking at first. I guess overall you have a very interesting concept and a great drama of him hating where he is but it needs to be made clearer for the reader. Good luck!Mary Kate Leahyhttp://houseoflaoch.wordpress.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7673700697394236559.post-79407881528911632052011-05-29T21:25:22.294+01:002011-05-29T21:25:22.294+01:00You have some very nice descriptions, like the sno...You have some very nice descriptions, like the snore/balloon and 'felt his fine hairs rise'. I would have preferred a briefer description before intoducing Lucas. He sees the moonlight where he is, not on the grounds, and he can't see the mist. I didn't understand what he's shushing/cursing/whispering. In several cases, a simpler sentence structure would be better than using introductory clauses. At the end, I didn't understand what's up with the bag. Is something in it? Is it a magical bag?Melora Bellhttp://www.bellshadow.blogspot.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7673700697394236559.post-88188298517089495672011-05-29T19:18:30.775+01:002011-05-29T19:18:30.775+01:00I had to read this twice to understand what was go...I had to read this twice to understand what was going on, so I'm thinking the writing could be a bit more straight forward. I don't understand why he's strangling his bag and because you mentioned magic, I thought the door was talking at first instead of his friend Rowland. I'm assuming the paragraph before STARRING isn't part of the chapter, because it's telly and not a great transition. This is a good beginning but there are parts that can be presented clearer.http://www.samposey.com/https://www.blogger.com/profile/16689027309415722271noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7673700697394236559.post-43187231563569565312011-05-29T18:07:00.740+01:002011-05-29T18:07:00.740+01:00This isn't a genre I read in (although my son ...This isn't a genre I read in (although my son does and so do a bunch of boys his age around here - 4th grade), but I like it and would be interested in reading more based on the writing and the tense scene - I love "the whole world creaked"! My only suggestion is to maybe point out that Matron is the guy at the night desk (I wasn't sure what Matron was until I re-read it).erica and christyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13074820593371226159noreply@blogger.com