tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7673700697394236559.post2211701180315763098..comments2024-03-11T22:54:06.514+00:00Comments on Wordsmithing: SIX SENTENCES - DRAWN: DARRAH'S BOWAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15459671422564355990noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7673700697394236559.post-57389413468325105652011-10-30T16:05:03.792+00:002011-10-30T16:05:03.792+00:00Oooh, Greece. I hope you're enjoying it.
&qu...Oooh, Greece. I hope you're enjoying it.<br /><br />"Sense" and "sensitive" are used too close together, so it sounds repetitive. I would take one of them out. I also agree with Danette's usage of short sentences.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7673700697394236559.post-34281634212625976052011-10-24T00:04:14.118+01:002011-10-24T00:04:14.118+01:00Hope your holiday in Greece goes well and is undis...Hope your holiday in Greece goes well and is undisturbed by the unrest there. <br /><br />Lots of action here and I'm into it! but maybe a bit more description? How are her senses alert? And then there's one sentence that feels a bit problematic in the second paragraph "She imagined drawing an arrow from her bag, it would take too long." You could change it to: "She imagined drawing an arrow from her bag. It would take too long. Too noisy." It's got good tension with your other short sentence so putting "It would take too long" as another one would add to it. <br />I think I am doing a better job at remembering the previous week's segment so I am getting a feel for your character and the story. I like it! It's interesting and has lots of intriguing stuff going on!Danettehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15043881305977386629noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7673700697394236559.post-52658363776557701312011-10-23T22:20:11.748+01:002011-10-23T22:20:11.748+01:00Enjoy being on Holiday. I'm hoping to go on h...Enjoy being on Holiday. I'm hoping to go on holiday myself in about a week, so long as my new boss allows it.<br /><br />Every year we take a Halloween staycation. But like a dumb dumb. I put in for my time off so late.<br /><br />Anyway, have a spooktacular holiday and an oogie boogie week.The Happy Whiskhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13438469476168485775noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7673700697394236559.post-88731986445700431772011-10-23T17:25:28.232+01:002011-10-23T17:25:28.232+01:00Greece! I'm jealous. Nice excerpt. One picky...Greece! I'm jealous. Nice excerpt. One picky thing use, "were" close.Wendy Tyler Ryanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10841984342368861282noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7673700697394236559.post-20929081131143584292011-10-23T15:26:14.056+01:002011-10-23T15:26:14.056+01:00Thanks for the tips on voice. Points that make goo...Thanks for the tips on voice. Points that make good sense.Donna OShaughnessyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08266654110280149719noreply@blogger.com